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Mar 23, 2005
So.. the activists are at it again, and this time they are after the seal hunters. There are over five million seals in Northern Canada, which is triple the number that there used to be in the 1970's. Canada wants to, rightly so in my opinion, bring down the population a bit, eventually taking it to 3.8million. The activists are going apeshit.

Their main argument aside from the obvious 'Seals are cute!!!11 awwww he's so cute!!!11', is that the seals are defenseless and skinned alive, resulting in a horrible agonizing death. Now, this is the part of the argument that I have trouble with. While personally, I have never killed a baby seal, I have killed other cute things. I've hunted, killed and skinned rabbits, both wild and tame ones. When you grab a rabbit, it doesn't just sit there all nice in your hand, while smiling up at you and pooping out a little easter egg at your bidding. It's all you can do to hold onto it while it's kicking and jumping and not having it kick you and break your wrist. Skinning the animal while it's still alive is RIGHT out. Seals are alot bigger than a rabbit, and they're lacking nice holdable parts like legs.

So, obviously the activists are full of shit and have never killed anything in their life before, and really just don't know what they are talking about. The problem is, the world is full of stupid people and society panders to them. Never fear! I have... a solution.

What we need to do, is train seals to eat kittens. Kittens are cuter than seals, therefore if a seal eats a kitten, it is no longer cute and becomes an evil nasty predator that lurks in the night.. like a wolf or a tiger. Tigers and wolfs skulk around in the dark and steal babies to feed to their spawned offspring. Tigers and wolves are obviously evil. The obvious solution is to make society associate seals with wolves and tigers, and then it's ok to hunt them again.

Once we have that step down, we need to then bust into Hollywood and make a movie about a killer seals that has spooky music following it and eats newlywed couples when they go for walks in the arctic north. A sceneplay, if you will.
Enter Newlywed Couple(NwC), stage left.
NwC 1: Ick tuk ping tow ming long? too too shiff shiff le foom! 
    Isn't it a lovely day out? I'm so in love with you!
NwC 2: Noot zirn im im tow poof luff! 
    And I love you too my honey sweetums!
Enter Killer Seal(KS), skulkingly from stage right. Scary music plays.
NwC 1: Zigga zerp flif chu madong! 
    I'm so happy we can spend forever together making cute babies!
NwC 2: Werp instu metter bliff low! 
    So am I!
KS: RoooaaarrrRRRrrrRRRrrRR!
NwC 1 & 2: Zlerf tig gow! Minstu tipple mudflim! 
    Holy crap! We're so in love and dead!
KS: RoooaaarrrrRRRrrRRRrrr!! Eats your love flesh! RrooooaarrrrrRRrRRrRRRr!!
End of scene.

It'll be a blockbuster for sure. We'll all be hunting seals again like we did in the old days in no time now.
Tags: politics